Moved by the Spirit

I don't know if this is wishful thinking (since I'm not really sensitive to the Spirit yet...), I don't know how to prove it, I don't know how to accomplish it either, but I feel God is telling me that I should finally take a leap of faith... That now is the time to get out there and reach out to people. Maybe I've just been inspired by Kris' blog... I really don't know.

Ever since last month, I've been praying for God to move me. To give me a heart for ministry, most especially to my dear school. I feel that I've been hurt so many times that my defense mechanism has been doing its "magic" again, which means that I've been feeling like a rock, devoid of any deep emotion. Unconsciously, I've been concealing my caring nature, knowing all too well that I get attached easily. That once I cared for you, I'm implicitly giving you the right to hurt me. Because you will matter to me. A lot. And I don't like being a fair-weathered friend. God knows that when I care for someone, I love them completely, whole-heartedly. I give my all. It doesn't matter if I've just met you. Or if we're not best friends. I will care for you. Period.

The thing is, the very people whom I've given my all have betrayed me. Since then, I've been withdrawn. Reserved. Private. Even to the people I'm closest today, it's such a struggle for me to be brave enough to let them in. More so, I realized that the moment you become my friend, I already expect you to leave/hurt/betray me eventually, as all the others did. So I no longer want to care that much. Care in a "moderate" way will work for me. But for me to care for you, in the whole essence of the word, that's a different story. I mean, I want to do that. But I'm too afraid to try. That's why I'm having such a hard time caring for lost souls and reaching out to others.

Once I realized this, I began to pray for God to touch my heart, to inspire it, to put the fire of evangelism in it. I prayed that I may be able to love others as God loves them. That I may see myself and others through God's eyes. Most especially, that I may share in Irene's desire for La Sallian ministry. It took time, because I've been so used to not caring anymore, too afraid to be vulnerable to others again. But God is ever faithful. I'm starting to care again for the lost and the needy. I want to share Jesus with them. I want to stand up for my generation. I want to love as God loves.

But there's a problem. I don't think I'm ready. I don't think I'm fit for the job yet, like I'm a weapon that's still being forged by the blacksmith. I don't think I'm "Christian enough" for this. I just began going to church... what do I have to offer to further God's Kingdom right at this very moment?

Then I remembered a verse from Jeremiah that has always struck me.
"Ah, Sovereign Lord," I said, "I do not know how to speak; I am only a child."
But the Lord said to me, "Do not say, 'I am only a child.' You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you," declares the Lord. (Jeremiah 1:6-7)

So here I am now, caught in a myriad of emotions: excitement, confusion and fear, among others. I don't know if this is wishful thinking, that maybe I'm finally being called to do my part in the Great Commission. Nonetheless, I want to be ready. As the movie "Facing the Giants" put it, I will prepare for rain. I may not think I am already able, but Father I am willing.

"Enlarge the place of your tent, stretch your tent curtains wide, do not hold back; lengthen your cords, strengthen your stakes." Isaiah 54:2

Father, I am letting go. You are my Lord.